I have loads of new things to share on the blog, but I’ve been super busy with visitors lately. That and sitting in the sun. But I got some great photos while sitting in the sun. Meanwhile, here’s something I wrote recently, about my past and future relationships.
At the end of the podcast recording someone said, in relation to relationships and finding the perfect partner: “Perfection is self-defeating”
And it not only resonated with me, but made something I’d been thinking about for a long time crystal clear in my head. I believe that you can find the perfect girl, and that’s what Pola, my last long term girlfriend was for me. I had a pretty clear mental list of things that I wanted from a girl, and if she didn’t tick all those boxes, I wouldn’t commit completely. Pola matched them all, even to the point that one thing on the list was (quite shallowly) “Has to have good teeth.” Pola’s father is a dentist.
I made such a list after a prior disastrous relationship I won’t go into now.
So when I found Pola, or she found me, she was the perfect girl for me, and I fell in love with her. We had a life together.
But I changed, and she obviously didn’t so much, or changed in a different way. She remained the perfect woman for me, but the perfect woman for 24 and 25 year old me. By the time I was 29, I was no longer perfect for her, and while I thought she was perfect for me, it turns out I was merely blinded by love at that point.
And so Pola leaves me, and (in a way that I found quite amusing) finds someone else, and kind of re-lives the early stages of our relationship. Only this time with a younger, taller, better looking guy. They went traveling, and then decided to live together, and then moved to a new place, and set up a home together in a new country, just like Pola and I did.
Pola is the perfect woman for the first few years of a relationship. She’ll commit completely, and respond to the same commitment. I had no secure job, and was unsure what I wanted from life, but had big plans, and she was the perfect person to help and support me in this, even as I helped and supported her in her plans and goals. And then her new boyfriend had no secure job, and was unsure of what he wanted from life, but had big plans, and she was again the perfect person to help and support him.
How is this helpful?
Now, of course, I’ve got to find the new perfect woman. But it won’t be someone like Pola, as she was only perfect for 2004 Luke, and I’ve changed loads since then. I’ve got a great job and a great apartment and different friends and just a whole other life. I don’t need the perfect person to help me change my life, I need the perfect person to help me enjoy the life I have, and be willing to join me in it, as I join them in their already-established life. I don’t want someone who doesn’t know what they are doing in life, as I’ve already been through that once, and I don’t feel I can support them in the same way that Pola and I supported each other.
And of course, the perfect partner for 2011 Luke won’t be the perfect person for 2021 Luke. Perfection, certainly in the face of time, is self-defeating. I need to find someone not-quite-perfect for 2011 Luke, but who will still be not-quite-perfect for 2021 and 2031 Luke, and willing to put up with a not-quite-perfect 2021 Luke as well as a 2031 Luke, rather than someone who is still longing for 2011 Luke in 5 years time, and then leaves me to find someone more like 2011 Luke than 2016 Luke can manage.